1. I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
2. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want .
3. If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
4. Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
5. You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
6. Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it.
7. When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
8. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.
9. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
10. The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
11. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
12. The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
13. You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.
14. The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
15. Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving .
16. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
17. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
18. The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
19. Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way.
20. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it..
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